User login
Poll
Navigation
There is something not right
Hi guys, i have had a bad 18 months, well to be honest a bad 4 years. I don't know why either. things have just followed on and on, - like life do. Having a mental health breakdown, having operations, mum having cancer, our house being repossesed, my cancer scare etc etc i could go on and on and on but i wont because i have wrote about it all in previous posts.
I feel there is something not right. as i cannot find the answers to my questions and then i think do i really know what my questions are. below is something that zo had left on a post and i feel the same.
few years back after a really bad soulsearching time i decided on the same thing and neva looked back..if it envolves people its quality not quantity and anything else..well what else is more important than our own growth and that of our family?stick with it and be true to you.......
if you ever want to chat im here x
the bit that really jumped out at me is the soul searching. I seem to be searching for something but i don't know what it is. i feel so lost. Everyone i know tells me "your life is a mess...i don't know how you cope, it's one thing after another" All i know is i do all the nice things and the correct way but i am always out in the cold feeling rejected and alone. i always put people back togther again and then they fly off with everyone else, i know that sounds weird as it is not gratitude i am after just to be involved and invited etc... at the moment i have had two evil spirits attached to me and i have been rescued from them. i actually got them from a 'spirit church' as the people running it don't know what they are doing.
These 'entities' left me feeling suicidal and worthless, it was a traumatic experience but my uncle told me he could have helped me but he wouldn't he left me feeling bad for 2 weeks to teach me a lesson! I was in tears, real tears floods of them and i just got the kids and left my parents home. But i would love to know what i have done and what lesson i have to learn, normally i would know but none of it makes sense.
i went to an 'awareness circle' 3 times and a 'divine service' and i put i faith into the people running it to keep us safe as they done protection prayers but i was opened up to spirit and i was being told messages that i passed on and it helped people but i didn't ever think i was great or anything, i didn't know why out of the whole group i was the only one getting clear messages. i done the meditation to help my back pain. i have stopped meditating and stopped going to the church immediately the day i was told.
i did everything that was asked of me. i am having family and friends being down on me and i thought i was imagining it and that i was paranoid but my husband said i am not and he can clearly see it. I am somehow doing and saying everything wrong so i have found myself clamming up and keeping feelings and stuff to myself and them family and friends are having a go at me and asking me what's wrong all the time. if i tell them they are really negative towards me, assuming i am attention seeking or moaning etc but at the moment i am dammed if i do and dammed if i don't.
If my lesson is do not go to a spiritual church or meditate then everyone has won because it has totally put me off. I am on all the medication i can take and going to a 'Low self-esteem' group, where we learn self awareness, high self-esteem and high self -confidence. but i just want to go to bed and pull the duvet over myself at least that way i can't do nothing wrong. I am so blessed with my 4 beautiful children and a lovely husband (who has apologised for putting me down everyday for no reason, he said he just waits for something to pick at me about because he is feeling crappy that he isn't working and that my back is so bad he has to do the housework - which i kind of understand but it wasn't helping me walking on egg shells 24/7) who has found a lump in his testicle and is waiting for an m.r.i scan appointment - something else to add to our crappy list of bad things eh!
my husband wrote a list of 34 things that i do wrong for him followed by 1 phone call from a long-term male friend who wanted to disect my personality and tell me that i don't do anything wrong but i have brought everything on myself by being spiritual! What I try and laugh at and my husband do is if i did die or kill myself they would all be angry at me for upsetting them and putting them out. When i could have had cervical cancer everyone was so worried how my mum would feel and tom, dick and harry etc...i was the one comforting them. None of you need to tell my that i am an idiot because i kn ow it but that this present time i am in a rut and cannot seem to move forward.
arggghhh....hubby just said 'is that a slag me off website as i saw the words my husband'
You know what guys i give up...i can't do this shit anymore...i am fed up with everything!! FULL STOPo
could i be in a transistional stage in my life? like at a crossroads maybe? I have been trying to make a consious effort at weeding out the crap from my life and i did ask spirit to help with it. I feel like i am wait5ing for something to happen but i don't know what. it's a restless feeling though.
Toni, hun, I really don't know what to say.
Firstly, I want you to know that I have read this. Hopefully just writing this has "exercised some demons" (using a figure of speech) for you.
There's a bit of me that wants to be flippant, and ask if you remember breaking the mirror?
I am in daily agony too, but mine is arthritis. Opium based painkillers (well pain modifiers really). Life does seem to kick you more when you are already down doesn't it?
Have to asked for a needs assessment form social services, and especially occupational health? There is loads of help out there for disabled people, if you know where to ask, and this is a good start.
They may be able to help modify the house, even if it is just grab handles, or pay for 2 hours per week "light" domestic work. Also get a carers assessment for your husband.
Ask "age concern" if they can suggest people for you to contact. OK, I know you aren't that old, but you need a starting point.
Make sure you have applied for all the benefits that you are entitled to, too. Your local and/or county council should be able to help here.
Thing is, there is (normally) help available if you know where to ask. GPs are great but are so overworked that they can be a tad unhelpfull.
The only other thing I can suggest is that you have an affirmation to find one good thing each day; that is one thing that makes you smile or raises your heart. Just now, it could be the warmth of the spring sun, the daffs pushing through the soil, or maybe something one of your children says. When you spot it, remember it and recall it as you go to sleep. Smile at nothing if you have to, but smile. Smiling is a wonderful cure, it kind of says "I am coping with this sh*t, so up yours".
Only you can answer whether trying to develop spiritually whilst juggling all the other balls feels like the right thing to do. Spirit will understand if you want to take a break, you can always resume once things have turned around (and you have to believe they will). We are here to provide all the (non-judgemental) support and care we can. We will listen to you and provide a virtual shoulder to leen on.
How I wish I could do this in person, but a really big <<<<HUG>>>>.
Love
Art
Just had another thought. Have you spoken to the Citizen's Advice people? They are also here to advice on benefits and local support organisations.
I did a reading for you last night, as I mentioned "be careful" this was shouted at me ! When i read this post this morning I did not realise this was you first of all, I really think there is a good reason about this darkness and its not your fault, but you will be the one that needs to sort it out. I am not sure that you have fully ditched your enities. I was always told that imgaine when we open to spirit its like a huge white light being lit in the darkness, spirit see this and comes to us, sometime dark spirit see this as well, I feel your restlessness is the dark entity trying its hardest to get a hold of you but there is a strong spirit behind it not letting it cause even more damage, but at the moment the dark spirit is holding it ground because of the negative energy you are feeding it. Give yourself a break, shut down, your angels will be working for you and looking after you whatever happens. Really meditate not to connect with spirit but to clear your thoughts and old feelings, negative energy is so strong and drains us until we have nothing left, let the darkness be your enemy, fight it with love, send the darkness love and healing, watch what happens,
Gunner x
Toni if i could come and give you a cuddle,make the tea,do some cleaning for you and chill the kids out ..i most certainly would do it xxxx
I wont go in to what happened to me,but i can tell you with complete sencerity that ive felt very similiar to you.Ive also had spirit attachments that aided to the darkness i was already going through.
The thing that kept me going was LOVE.I had one child at the time(i now have 3 x)Hes the reason i didnt give up..i know thats your reason too x When friends were useless and family wernt exactly loyal,for me personally there was only one thing left to do..i cut them out for a while,evryone who wasnt really helping me or i felt i couldnt 100%trust.I kind of stripped it all back to basics.This may sound harsh,even morbid but i dont mean it that way....i came here on my own...im leaving here alone,who can save me apart from me?
I had to just go it alone (though bloody hard)and i poured all my energy into my wellbeing and my son.Seemed that everyone around me drained me in some way,or shat on me(scuse my french,sorry)And so i took the bull by the horns.I know friends help to uplift us when we need them and vice versa but if people leave you feeling lower/lonelier best we forget them and charge into the light of life alone.I stay away from any situations that would result in me feeling unloved or all alone.some people serve their purpose and then leave our lives,and some which i do understand,pick up on our negative vibe and we drain them without meaning to,causing them to step back..this is there personal choice,we may feel we need them but sometimes people feel drained when their in demand..sometimes we as humans have to walk away for our own sakes.May not be to intentionally hurt you,but of course some of those just arnt good for us anyhow ..and we must take the consious desison to let go.
As for family these groups are all different so hard to advise,also family can be a very touchy subject and id hate to think id offended anyone.One side of my family is great,the other..hmmmnot so great,disloyal,backstabbing,overbearing,judgemental and the rest!!
I personally seemed to have this thing built in to me that made me think "yes these people let me down when i am in dyer need of support and love,But their FAMILY"!! Now i these days im of the mindset.."I COULDNT CARE LESS WHO YOU ARE,YOU MAKE ME FEEL LOW,SEE YA"and i stick to it,ive done the same with mates and aquaintences over the last few years and never looked back,since then apart from the odd run of badluck(which is hard but valueble life experience) My life just goes from strength to strength.
I had hundreds of "friends" and relatives where as now i have a handful of very,very dear ones and Man' how thats made a really POSITIVE difference to my life!!!!
Its true that you can be in a room full of people and feel lonely..BUT NOT if your with the right ones!x
Toni you sound like a lovely person to me,your kids need you and thats all who will ever really need you...aside from your own heart and soul! I dont know what else to say as i could talk to you forever,but know im sending you all my love xxxx
So many of us have been in that dark place that you feel that you are in now. Alone, depressed and without any light at the end of the tunnel, but we have all come through. Arthur is right about the practical steps that you need to take and you yourself know that you have the love of your children. I can't begin to appreciate the physical pain you are in with your back and other problems but I do know the pain you are suffering inside. The more you let it take over your life, the more it will. As for friends, you have so many on here - in cyberspace I know, but still here to talk to and to lean on. I echo what Zoe has said and would love to come round and make you a cuppa, do the ironing for you or something practical, but obviously I can't, but I am at the end of an e mail or even telephone if you want to send me a number (privately of course).
As for your daughter's school. If she is due to go there in September then buy the uniform. Once she is there, if you have to be housed it will be in the area of the school or at least accessible to it - the council have a responsibility to do that and if it is the school your daughter wants then at least if you know she is happy there, it is one less thing for you to worry about. Think positive. Have in your minds eye the next step you want to make and focus on it. Don't think too far ahead, just the next step and when that comes to fruition then make plans for the next one.
Always here when you need me
Jenny xxxxx
im so sorry to hear what your going through. I think the are so many issues here its hard where to start. I think we all have periods when things go wrong, I myself like many others on here have had times when we seem to have a run of bad luck that lasts and lasts ! It seems to me sometimes, your trying to be all things to all people.... Have you ever stoppped and thought sod the lot of em ! today im going to do whats right for me and put myself first. People can be terrible energy zappers. we all have things and people in life we have a certain amount of responsibility to, especially our children but the rest, they are usually big enough to look after themselves though some will lean on others for everything. Does your husband ever comfort you or try to help, relationships are a two way thing .
If the spiritual church doesnt feel right, dont go there, unfortunately not all people who attend churches have very spiritual attitudes and are there for the totally wrong reasons eg: ego !... i think you need to look around until you find one your comfortable with ,..a spiritual church should be the last place you pick up a so called 'bad entity'.. the one I used to go to has the most wonderful atmosphere and you feel calm immediately you enter the building. Its probably more like negative energy picked up from people in there and around you, that has been allowed to build to the extreme !.... not surprisng when people constantly put you down !.... it would seem like your also very depressed, how about some of your family coming round to help and lend a hand !.. every little bit helps ! ...... and if your psychic uncle is so flippin psychic, why cant he see the help you need instead of keep putting you down ! he might be psychic but hes a bit short sighted if he cant see how his spiteful and very unspiritual remarks make you feel so low!....there are people who can help you, social,services, doctors, they will actually take some of the strain if you can bring yourself to ask, I think nine out of ten times, spirit will try to clear the path for us if they can...just keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel....it will come, god bless, and lots of love, kimberley xx
Maybe this forum is the cure ?
Gunner x xx x x x x
Hi Toni, it sounds as though you need both practical and emotional help right now. Could you write down a type of flow chart of the areas in your life you need help with? You could then section it off and add what you think might help to solve each bit e.g. social services; GP; citizens advice etc. I did this with my eldest daughter recently, we worked our way through it, and she had to admit it worked. PLEASE don't be afraid to ask for help - we all need it sometimes. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you can, and will, get out the other side. Again I'm like a broken record here but if you can afford it I would treat yourself to an Innertalk CD as it really does seep positive thoughts into your subconscious mind. If you go onto the website you will be drawn to the one meant for you. I have used these to good effect. Very good luck and keep in touch with us. Lynda.
Dear Toni, It sounds like you have been given some useful advice. I hope you start to feel a little better soon. I will say a prayer for you. X
Hi Toni
I really can't add much to what others have written. Just be sure that now you seem to have hit rock bottom the only way is up.
I went through a bad time a couple of years ago and I know how hard it is to climb out that pit of despair. What I used to do was write down the good things in my life. Everything from the birds singing to a stranger smiling at me in the street. It works - honest!
Clear out that mobile phone!!!! I used to have tons of so-called friends and when I had my own troubles I cleared out my address book of all the people who really weren't that important to me. Now, I have a handful of friends but they are fantastic and I wouldn't be without them. It's definately quality not quantity that counts as times like this.
Sending you lots of positivity and love
Elinora x
Hi Toni...
I can so understand where you are in some respects...I have been lucky enough to get away & stay with a friend...do some nice stuff...but I know I need to go home & face people & yep i am afraid of that too.
I really feel for you honey & I know the feelings of being alone, when you have a family and a mobile full of people, it is awful.
I echo what Zoe said too, my heart goes out to you...
I know that feeling, as I know when I go home, I will be quizzed by friends, they hve kept on texting me and saying how worried they are about me, which i have asked them not to do as this just adds to the 'burden'...its about them...which again resonates with me re what you said about your cancer scare.
Funny...seems no one knows where I am..well my kids do...yet those who want me to do for them havent contacted me, they wait for me to do all the contacting.
So back to the doctors for me on Wednesday, still think I will be off work, as I have, like you just wanted to hide under the covers, but as i said I am fortunate to have a good mate who lives away & I am kinda hiding out here for today...but tomorrow its back home...
This is the worst I have ever felt, days crying, days terrified of my own shadow, maybe its me, maybe its the change of medication...or what?
Sending my support, thoughts and love to you...you are a lovely person Toni...please remember that....Love & hugs...xxx
Just wanted to send you both some love and hugs - nothing more.
I had a scare a couple of years ago which resulted in a hysterectomy and now I feel on top of the world. Have faith.
Loads of love coming your way.
Jenny xxxxxxxxx
Please excuse the lack of paragraphs, its playing up lately. I hope you don't mind but I did a little angel reading on you.
The card Study popped out, so is there anything you've been interested in learning? To take your mind off things. Your back may not allow you to get out of the house but there are some good home study things out there from the right people. I then did a spread.
Your past one came up DREAMS. Have you been having funny dreams lately? Might be time to look into them.
Present was TRUTH AND INTEGRITY. If something in your life isn't working, be willing to release it to God and the angels. Miracles follow when we surrender troubling conditions to let Divine Light in. Be true to you. So this is basically what Elinora etc said about clearing those rubbishy people from your life.
The future cards were Body Care - The angels urge you to look after your body as much as you can - eat healthy foods and you will feel better in general.
The last card was ARCHANGEL MICHAEL - he is with you, and always will be. When you make big decisions in your life, you are safe and secure. Have heart to hearts with him often during trying times. I'm not qualified at angel cards or anything, I just simply give it a go with them, so I truly hope this helps you even if a little. Huge hugs xxxx
paragraphs worked. No reading through trawls of words now for you, that's a relief xx
p.s - my kids keep me going, they are my life but i just honestly don't get what's going on and just don't know what to do anymore. If i was in bed for a week not 1 friend would ring me. my dad says i have 'doormat' written on my head and that i always do everything for everyone else but i am not a selfish person, so their has to be a balance somewhere. I don't know how to help myself this time i am stumped. why do i feel so bad, i am on anti-depressants, and i wear 'black obsidean' bracelet to protect me and 'black tourmaline' necklace to reflect negative energy which my long term male friend said was wrong because the person being negative towards me would get it back and feel worse!
I am just doing what everyone tells me and the moment which is unlike me as i have my own opinion and wouldn't smoke, steal, take any type of drugs or lie, which didn't make me popular. i don't want quantity of friends just quality.
I would love stability for my children a council house not a mansion but i am made to feel like i am asking for a million pounds. I want the simple things in life and i can't even get them i.e a permanent roof over my head.
This week i found out that my daughter got into the secondary school she wanted. as the uniform is £200 i thought i would start being it gradually ready for september and then my mum said ' no, you can't do that, you might not be living near the area, she might be at a different school' I am so fed up, i feel like i think of something positive and get knocked down but i am finding it harder and hadre to get back up.
i really don't want a nervous breakdown again as i had a mental health team in my house everyday and i didn't speak for ages i was just in a daze apparently and even then looking back it was funny because my mum moved in for a while as i couldn't have responsibility for the children and my mum told the psychciatrist "Everyone is worried about me taking on too much, is it better i leave Toni on her own to get on with it" the shrink replied " No, Mrs C your daughter will be put into a mental hospital and the children would have to go into care if your son-in-law didn't give up his job to care for them, at the moment Toni is an out-patient as she has family support" at the time my hubby couldn't give up his job as he was slogging his guts out to pay the mortgage which in hyndsight was not worth it as we lost the house anyway.
I do listen to people's advice as i have no trust in my own anymore which i used to have loads. It tells me something when i have 87 facebook friends and 100 people including family on my mobile and no-one rings, i would understand it if i was a horriable self-righteous person with an opinion about everything but i am not. i just want to feel happy.
Thanks for reading (if anyone does) my psychic uncle told my dad that i feel really low and am contemplating suicide but not to worry about me as i won't have the guts to go through with it. my dad casually told me that on thursday night.....I wish they could see my pain but i wouldn't want them to feel it as i wouldn't wish that on anybody.
Love Toni x